Stephanie Kilcoin and Tony Iris share a lot of things.
A garage, for instance, and a house attached to that garage, and a yard attached to that house.
They share love for one another, a love that has withstood almost 13 years’ time. They share the wisdom that has come from the shared and individual life experiences of the past 29 years.
And last year, they shared in hunting for their first house.
But still, Kilcoin and Iris have yet to share something with one another, something that many outsiders would assume the couple would have already committed to.
They have yet to exchange wedding vows.
A garage, for instance, and a house attached to that garage, and a yard attached to that house.
They share love for one another, a love that has withstood almost 13 years’ time. They share the wisdom that has come from the shared and individual life experiences of the past 29 years.
And last year, they shared in hunting for their first house.
But still, Kilcoin and Iris have yet to share something with one another, something that many outsiders would assume the couple would have already committed to.
They have yet to exchange wedding vows.
The couple is part of the millennial generation, or those born after 1980. Research shows that, like Kilcoin and Iris, other millennials have also been questioning and challenging traditional attitudes toward marriage and family for quite some time.
The portion of millennial couples getting married has declined significantly over the past two decades, according to data from the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) and a national survey on family growth.
At the same time, the Pew Research Center has shown that cohabitation has become more common. About half of all cohabitating couples are under the age of 35. Further research shows that 64 percent of millennial cohabiters consider cohabitation an important step toward marriage.
So the more traditional belief that cohabitation should come only after marriage may no longer apply. Kilcoin and most of her girlfriends are prime examples of this.
“If you hate each other five years later, you’re stuck,” she said.
The increasing number of cohabitating couples supports research showing that millennials generally wait longer to get married.
Kilcoin, for one, is perfectly content with where her relationship currently stands. “I, right now, personally [am] totally fine with not being engaged and not worrying about a wedding and finances,” she said.
There’s the kicker. Finances.
Could economic standing be a reason why many millennials are still legally “single”? A study from the Pew Research Center says so.
Authors of “The Reversal of the College Marriage Gap” say that the tables have recently turned in favor of those with a college education. As opposed to generations past, young, college-educated adults are more likely to be married by the time they’re 30 than their peers, who went to work out of high school.
Some experts speculate this reversal stems from the fact that college-educated adults find themselves in better financial standing at 30. Thus, the expenses of marriage are less of a burden for them.
The divide lies within the high premiums working millennials place on financial stability, a factor that Kilcoin considers a huge part of her relationship.
Neither Kilcoin nor Iris attended college, but they both chose career paths after high school and have had steady work since.
Kilcoin said she probably isn’t engaged right now because the couple is working on becoming more financially secure.
This problem does not only plague millennials, however. Economic stability is an important factor for people of all ages. “People want to get economically sound and safe that they’re like, ‘OK, cool. I can afford this,’” Kilcoin said.
Kilcoin, for one, is perfectly content with where her relationship currently stands. “I, right now, personally [am] totally fine with not being engaged and not worrying about a wedding and finances,” she said.
There’s the kicker. Finances.
Could economic standing be a reason why many millennials are still legally “single”? A study from the Pew Research Center says so.
Authors of “The Reversal of the College Marriage Gap” say that the tables have recently turned in favor of those with a college education. As opposed to generations past, young, college-educated adults are more likely to be married by the time they’re 30 than their peers, who went to work out of high school.
Some experts speculate this reversal stems from the fact that college-educated adults find themselves in better financial standing at 30. Thus, the expenses of marriage are less of a burden for them.
The divide lies within the high premiums working millennials place on financial stability, a factor that Kilcoin considers a huge part of her relationship.
Neither Kilcoin nor Iris attended college, but they both chose career paths after high school and have had steady work since.
Kilcoin said she probably isn’t engaged right now because the couple is working on becoming more financially secure.
This problem does not only plague millennials, however. Economic stability is an important factor for people of all ages. “People want to get economically sound and safe that they’re like, ‘OK, cool. I can afford this,’” Kilcoin said.
While the ability to afford things has a large impact on marriage among millennials, so too do timing and opportunity.
A Pew Research Center survey found that adults ages 18 to 24 also say they feel too young and are not yet ready to settle into marriage. Some still haven’t yet found what they’re looking for in a partner.
Sometimes, the walk down the aisle doesn’t happen at all.
In a survey of 18- to 29-year olds, only 36 percent said it is “very important” for a couple to be married. Furthermore, 52 percent of millennials say being a parent is one of the most important things in life. Only 30 percent say the same thing about having a successful marriage.
Are these trends helpful or harmful?
So what’s wrong with these newly adopted attitudes? Is it such a bad thing that millennials prefer to focus on a career, money, or children before focusing on marriage?
Naomi Schaefer Riley, author of a New York Post article called “Generation Screwed” these patterns are often paradoxical.
Riley cites research that shows newly married couples experience “a sharp increase in wealth accumulation after marriage.” According to Riley, it actually makes more economic sense for millennial couples to tie the knot.
“You’d think that if research shows there is something that could be a surefire way of improving their economic lot, they would grab hold of it like a life preserver,” she writes.
The fact that a large proportion of young adults are having children out of wedlock is also confusing to many. According to Child Trends, a research center out of Washington, nearly half of all children born to mothers under 30 are born out of wedlock.
Ashley Maquire of The Post, and author of “Millennial madness—kids without marriage,” says this statistic is concerning, especially because data shows marital status is an important factor in determining how children turn out.
“What millennials just don’t seem to grasp is that being a good parent is having a successful marriage,” she writes. “It is absolutely the most important and determinant factor for children: whether or not their parents are married.”
But while Maquire disagrees with some millennials’ choices, she understands why they are hesitant to get hitched.
The fear of failure is very real, she writes, but the patterns of the past don’t have to determine the future. “We can marry smart….We don’t have to make the same mistakes our parents’ generation made,” she writes.
A Pew Research Center survey found that adults ages 18 to 24 also say they feel too young and are not yet ready to settle into marriage. Some still haven’t yet found what they’re looking for in a partner.
Sometimes, the walk down the aisle doesn’t happen at all.
In a survey of 18- to 29-year olds, only 36 percent said it is “very important” for a couple to be married. Furthermore, 52 percent of millennials say being a parent is one of the most important things in life. Only 30 percent say the same thing about having a successful marriage.
Are these trends helpful or harmful?
So what’s wrong with these newly adopted attitudes? Is it such a bad thing that millennials prefer to focus on a career, money, or children before focusing on marriage?
Naomi Schaefer Riley, author of a New York Post article called “Generation Screwed” these patterns are often paradoxical.
Riley cites research that shows newly married couples experience “a sharp increase in wealth accumulation after marriage.” According to Riley, it actually makes more economic sense for millennial couples to tie the knot.
“You’d think that if research shows there is something that could be a surefire way of improving their economic lot, they would grab hold of it like a life preserver,” she writes.
The fact that a large proportion of young adults are having children out of wedlock is also confusing to many. According to Child Trends, a research center out of Washington, nearly half of all children born to mothers under 30 are born out of wedlock.
Ashley Maquire of The Post, and author of “Millennial madness—kids without marriage,” says this statistic is concerning, especially because data shows marital status is an important factor in determining how children turn out.
“What millennials just don’t seem to grasp is that being a good parent is having a successful marriage,” she writes. “It is absolutely the most important and determinant factor for children: whether or not their parents are married.”
But while Maquire disagrees with some millennials’ choices, she understands why they are hesitant to get hitched.
The fear of failure is very real, she writes, but the patterns of the past don’t have to determine the future. “We can marry smart….We don’t have to make the same mistakes our parents’ generation made,” she writes.
Perhaps avoiding the mistakes of generations past is a major reason why divorce rates have fallen over the past couple of decades. A report sponsored by the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia shows that delayed marriage has lead to these lower rates since 1980.
But regardless of what the trends show, there are always going to be exceptions to the rules.
Kilcoin’s own experience shows that while many of her friends are following the same general path, each of them has experienced life on a different timeline.
For now, Kilcoin is comfortable with where her relationship currently stands. Eventually, she wants to get married and have children, in that order. But until then, she is OK with watching her life with Iris develop at a natural pace.
“[We are] a family,” she says.
But regardless of what the trends show, there are always going to be exceptions to the rules.
Kilcoin’s own experience shows that while many of her friends are following the same general path, each of them has experienced life on a different timeline.
For now, Kilcoin is comfortable with where her relationship currently stands. Eventually, she wants to get married and have children, in that order. But until then, she is OK with watching her life with Iris develop at a natural pace.
“[We are] a family,” she says.